still surviving and trying to strive..

LOOKING BACK,
begitu byk rintangan i have gone thru sepanjang 4 tahun ogos ini,
Setiap kali ogos,i will remember the nite kami 'dilepaskan' dari akademi fantasia..the promises and the dreams.....

yea,that time byk betul things going thru my 19 year old head,tapi tak tahu langsung bagaimana nk execute benda2 tu..and i have no idea it was not an easy ride..NOT AT ALL.

my walk was so long yet so much that i gain, i akan muhasabah diri tiap kali tibanya bulan 8 ni,apa yg i got thru out another year,dan alhamdulillah tahun ni menggembirakan biarpun tetap ada duka nya.

i guess thn ni merupakan thn pertama utk betul2 maju ke depan,i trust i wont forget how tough it is,and rasa gembira jugak dgn apa yg dpt diperoleh selama ni,biarpun sedikit... mmg betul pepatah mat saleh tu..'bittersweet'

bila kita lalui byk kepahitan.. kemanisan yg sedikit pun rasa bertuah,..then mybe tuhan tu syg kan umatnya diberi begitu byk kesakitan supaya kita sukar melupakan furthermore akan lebih hargai kehidupan,

i am moving towards another phase lagi this year.,..i am going to record my 2nd album dalam masa yg terdekat...terima kasih pada semua yg memberi impak in my year this time,..you are keeping my music alive!

million love,

aku dan mimpi stays on..

2 minggu berada dia tangga paling bwh....bersama ngan 'akan tiba'..
minggu ni aku dan mimpi climb back the stairs to no 13...terima kasih pada yg vote lagu aku dan mimpi.. biarpun tak popular di corong2 radio.. but i still dpt trust dari all of you..
akan tiba dh pun tersingkir....very sad cuz i thought akan tiba akan saingi aku dan mimpi tapi nk buat cmne takde rezeki mybe a bad timing..

video klip aku dan mimpi pun dh siap..hopefully everybody will be able to watch it soon on tv..

ouh ya.. i was saying to my manager last week.. tom pasti akan juarai carta.. and he did!
congratz......

part 3...

arghh its getting boring.. itulah jadinya bila lambat post entry..

but kena sambung jugak......sampai jer di ipoh after many stops... we head off ke kedai makan for lunch.. sedap.. but i am sooo leteyh and nk mandiiii.. muker cam sialll wahahha..
waiting for james to come and pick me up at the hotel..

terus ke soundcheck..ngade betul organizer ni.. i think this is organizer yg paling mengada ngada sepanjang 4 thn.. dan beratus ratus show.... kdg2 i rasa dia saja nk kenakan me..takpela,dlm hati nk cari rezeki jer..

aunty really insisted that i sing for this one show kat lapangan terbang azlan shah.. so james kena budget time for us to travel dari tempat tu dan show lagi satu.. satu starts 830.. satu lagi 930.. so ok la.. we try..

after singing at the RTM thingy... i terus bergegas ke venue seterusnya..urmmm organizer minta i tuka baju lain pulak.. fyi.. organizer ni minta gambar baju yg akan dipakai pdl malam ni.. cam sgt2 pelik..so i wore sumthing else but he insist and memaksa i pakai exactly dlm gambar..
i seriously tertekan.. cuz dh la i am so tired..pastuh i need to work buleh pulak main dgn emotions org masa ni... serious2 tertekan..
bla bla bla.... last2 dia kena terima jgk what i was wearing that nite..cuz client dia pun kata ok,.
i rasa cam 'prostitute' sgt cara dia layan i dgn james..tuhan tlg lah bg kekuatan.

for the 1st time as well. i terpaksa jadi emcee that nite,..i think i sucks..but well takde sape complaint ok lah kot..
org2 pun cam mabuk pulak that nite.. i am guilty as ever..adoiiii.. i am praying time fly as quickly as they can...

abes je terus chow.. we head off to the hotel where flava and aunty is staying to get pur pay for the earlier airport show and also nk tumpang buang make up and solat.

sampai kl.. rasanya 2am kot..i am glad that my overated weekend dh selesai.. syukur alhamdulillah with all the rezeki dan jgk experiences..

part 2..

so bila bas dh smpai sumer pun bergerak ke kh teluk ketapang..whereby sumer dh tgg dgn bunga manggar la. daun2 yg wangi tu apa ntah yg dibaling2 kat kitaorang pergh cam special jer rasa..
actually i didnt know that acara ni melibatkan homestay.....so ok.. ni kali ke 3 la i terlibat with homestay tapi this time mmg betul2 tido umah org..

to be honest i tak nervous cam before.. i think its about time for me to grow up and not feel so estranged dgn org lain...u see dari kecik mmg i am not the person who alwys sleepover umah org.. tak kira sedara atau pun kawan2.. tanya lah my parents family,cousins or friends.. sgt lah tidak selesa..pernah one time i think i was 9 or 8 years old kononnya berani nk tido umah my uncle.. plan was to sleepover with all my cousins sbb tak puas bermain last2 i bgn tgh2 malam nangis dpn umah diorang nk balik.. huhu.. apalahhhh..

so since then i knew i am not the person yg boleh stay umah org....my work tuntut i utk ke serata tempat,dan thats why la i have a guy manager and a guy assistant so that i dunt have to share the room.. its not them.. its just me.. i am a bit awkward sharing a room with ppl....i really love my privacy.

but ya know what,i give myself a chance this time....my adopted parents were en Yusoof and wife Puan Ani,they're so kind and nice to me,. after picking me up on their car.. they brought me down to the beach for an high tea treats.. very cool.. but i am exhausted..
and then i found out i have sum sorts of activity the next day so i asked them if they can bring me to any stores so that i can buy myself pants and normal shirt..
guess what.. the charming couple g beli for me..arghhh segannyer.. dh lah mahal..
they bought me reebok pants and converse shirt.. aiyooo....

and ...i didnt even go to the beach for that activity cuz i was too tired and i am afraid m not able to perform if i go out to the sun like that..urmm.. but wore the outfit for the day...

the nite came.. and i was the 1st performer to come out.. was awesome. ,.walaupun sebelum show hujan lebat...
there were me..fabulous cats..and few other artists..

after the show come to an end.. kitaorang pun gerak la balik...actually was a bit of confusion of getting back the same nite or fly me home the next morning but aunty just decide to drive back.
so after saying goodbye and what not..pukul 2 pagi cmtu lah gerak dari tganu...next stop IPOH

Wekkend yg melampau penatnyer..huhu part1

hello diary..(as for 9th july-11th july)
meet again..Khamis pagi kul 530 dh bangun msg kat farouk( FLAVA) dat i mmg giler ngantuk and takleh bgn.. just asking him whether dia dh mandi.. and yg lain dh bgn ke belum.. dia ckp belum so i asked him bgtau i biler sumer dh mandi so dat i leh ngn mandi heheheh..slept around 3am so tulah tkleh nk bgn..

i am going to Kuala Terengganu for a show with RTM..going there with Aunty Shahizan Jelas(RTM) also the mother of Shafiq and Arif from FLAVA..
..in my diary sebelum ni i rasa i have mentioned how close i am with FLAVA.. n how important they are in my life.. lama sgt tak dpt nk hang out sejak OIAM...so dis our first show together selepas sekian lama...cuma kali ni.. without my dear brother Shahdan..while i was still dalam competition,Shahdan decide utk keluar dari FLAVA and pursue a different dream...skrg ni tgh berjuang dlm 'Pilih Kasih" i wish the very very best for the cool dude... i miss him sooo muchhh..

630am..THey arrived kat depan guard,... dlm keta aunty was driving,farouk duk depan..pali beside me..and shafiq kat belakang mcm biasa headphones on all time...
we stopped after entering karak highway for breakfast..shafiq jer tak mkn..then sambung perjalanan..i was sooo lost in my dream..tido giler deeeppp.



sambung perjalanan.. biler dh masuk terengganu.. i believe it was Kemaman.. sumer pun masing2 terjaga dan melihat lihat persekitaran...huh not mentioning perut pun mula berdikir barat..
mission aunty masa tu ialah mencari satar..ouh sata,..or how they spell it pun tatau hehe..then we finally jumpa after more than a half an hour..soon after that berhenti for lunch.. basically kitaorang makan sata tu jer byk smpai kenyang bukan the ultimate salty nasi ayam.. serious masin thp dewa,.
actually rombongan RTM beramai ramai ni menaiki bas and we're suppose to have a special keramaian menyambut kedatangan kami semua so wut to do we have to wait until the others arrive baru lah bleh nk g tempat tinggal and wut not.. then barulah i tau rupanya its going to be a home stay thingy.. it wud be my 3rd time.. tp kali ni wud be a first time to actually sleep at sumone's house....
round2 area KT.. then beli kuih..then round2 kejap sampailah we stop at one mobil station waiting for the bus to arrive..

He Made the whole world sing.............

.A week had past..
and since that morning when i was woke by my mum...knock on the door.. then she opens ...."michael jackson dah mati"
i was shock..but truly indenial..that day everybody is passing the news of the ultimate legend no longer breathing..

I did not cry..
i did not show sadness..
But i keep on having many flashbacks.. moments when i was a little girl listening to all of his numbers...He was so huge.. that i wonder.. how can he be so great..
While my mother was crying the whole day listening to the radio that is playing all of his hits song as a tribute..i just get out of the way..didnt want to cry.. didnt want to tell myself.. this is bad...real bad..



I was busy with work and trying to let this go away.. its like a bad dream...then we watched his concerts and videos,our cd collection of his..enjoying beat it,billie jean,thriller, from jackson 5 to black or white.. it was so memorable and full of personal memories....
But then one song that make me cry like a baby.. was 'You Rock My World'..i cry cry.. cuz this song was from his last album.. "Invincible'..the album that i actually bought it with my own money,..all previous albums was bought by my parents.. why?? cuz i was too young to go and buy an album but still i can listen and sing to it.. until i can actually save my own money and buy it....He existed in every generation.. and i bought two of that album a cd and a cassette cuz i dont have a cd player.. and i wanted to support him so bad that i bought two..invincible was not as successful album as the previous...and Invincible was out with 4 limited edition colours.. and i bought the blue cassete and the grey cd..i listen to that album over n over n over again...and of course "You Rock My World'.....he seems so fragile and hurt..because of all the rumours and controversy..to be honest i was actually almost believed that he did all that..I am sorry........ but after that i realize people just want to take advantage on this amazing person....
I wonder how on earth he lives everyday with this people keep on talking,keep on accusing him to things that they dont even know about....Me? am just singer in a very very small country..but even that i feel the heat that sometimes burns me....what about him? And i cannot understand why people wants him to be so perfect? he's just a human being. I believe so much that Michael Jackson was a decent man,his heart is so pure and love the nation like no other.. Maybe thats why ALLAH loves him so much that Michael just have to leave this cruel world..
It took me a while before i get to sit down today and write my feelings towards this music intelligent..because.. i watched the memorial last nite..and didnt sleep until sunrise.. wept through out the ceremony cuz for the first time i feel i lost Michael Jackson..and while typing this.. my tears still running down my cheek..fills my eyes until i cant see...
These teardrops is the tears of love,..and sorry.and how i wish.. i could know him more..and can see him more... i wish he had a happy life..i wish i could make him feel better.. and i cry becuz its just too late..further more i am just nobody from far..These tears also the tears of jealousy.. for i envy those people who actually know Michael,who actually met him,saw him in a distance,caught a glimpse of him,shooked his hand,spoke to him,and the millions and millions who were able to watched him performed....ouh my .... i never ever had that chance...and i never will
thats why i am crying...and still until my eyes swelled up..


The sadness that brings at last nite memorial..was a huge impact to the whole world..
Even worse...some people here writes that they did not agree how wonderful Michael Jackson was...
is it jealousy or the lack of knowledge to judge?
Pens in your hand and u think can do anything?? Because the likes of you who destroy his emotions.. makes him a sad man..for all the contribution he did for us..and u say..its just nothing more than just a performer??? My My... u are so STUPID.
He has been a great humanitarian ever lived and u say why wept?
I bet your soul is corrupted!..and no wonder u can only see bad things in people..the pen doesnt belong in your hand..and ur not suppose to put all your devilish attention to paper..You are totally un ethical....people like u.. never change..people like you made no difference!..
ur souless and selfish..
To you people.. i just wanna say F*^K Y*U..very very much..


As we know,Michael Jackson died as a Muslim.. and there's voices saying whats the good of it..they're so mean and heartless..sick people
They actually should feel proud and welcome a kind heart to our religion....
I know many fans pray for him no matter what religion they are...but for us Muslims..
Please search deep in our soul and see him as role model and we should thank him for creating an environment where people stood together because of his songs and story.
Lets appreciate ALLAH's gift to us..Lets appreciate the talent,the man he is.. cuz he was created by ALLAH who creates all of us.
i feel that the world is no longer a good place for the man.. InsyALLAH he will be in a better place,a place is already certain for him.. but still uncertain for us..

AL- FATIHAH..................................................



Gone Too Soon"

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon